Tuesday, May 10, 2005

The other night I was sitting home watching a Tivo of Stump the Schwab on ESPN and just about nodding off when suddenly someone began pounding on my front door like I owed them money. It would be hard to overstate my surprise when I opened the door and Ann Coulter pushed past me, smelling of alcohol and Nicorette gum. She had already taken off her sweater and shoes before I remembered to close the door.
‘Nice to be back here at the Fortress of Decrepitude. Bet not many ladies come here twice.' She shook her head. 'Have I missed you,’ she sighed, glancing toward me.
‘I’m..flattered..’
‘I’m not talking to you,’ she spat, ‘I’m talking to your cock. Bet you never thought you’d see me again.’
‘Not without being able to change the channel, no..’
‘Well get out of that ridiculously too young for you Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt, say goodbye to 1998 and lose the cargo pants, and get ready to stuff the only thing interesting about you into the sloppy end of my digestive tract.’
‘Which end is that?’
She didn’t appreciate my making this admittedly small joke. She stepped up to me with rising anger, and I had the small adrenaline rush that precedes a fistfight. But instead of hitting me, she said through clenched teeth:
‘I came here to chew gum and have Liberal cock slammed into me.’ She spit her gum onto my floor. ‘And I’m all out of gum. We clear?’
I flinched.
‘Yes.’ I reproached myself for looking away, unable to meet her menacing gaze. She resumed taking off her clothes.
‘Don’t you want to, I don’t know, talk politics?’
‘You think you’ve got me all figured out in that box of shit you keep balanced on your neck, don’t you?’
‘Well I think I have an idea what flips your bingo switch, yeah, so if you want to discuss..’
‘No need. I listened to Clinton’s ’92 acceptance speech in the car. I’m as horny as the hat rack at a Viking bar.’ She stood naked and impatient before me. ‘What’s the matter?’
‘I’m a little freaked out by your hip bones’
‘I still weigh what I did Freshman year at Cornell,’ she said proudly.
‘Have you eaten since?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean hit a buffet. Get some plates dirty. Seriously.’
She fixed me with a hot stare. ‘It’s not how the meat bounces on the girl; it’s how the girl bounces on the meat.’
‘Could we, like, kiss or something?’
‘Aw,’ she said tartly, ‘isn’t that sweet. You want to kiss me on the mouth.’
‘Yeah, I would.’
‘Well I’m a little picky about who I let kiss me, Libby. Now, how’s about sticking your fuckmeat up my ass?’ I felt beaten.
‘OK, OK..’
‘Now, don’t be like that. Listen, do you know what it means when someone says put it in slowly and gently?’
‘Yes.’
‘Good. Then do it the exact opposite of that,’ she said, smearing lotion on my uterus poker. She noticed what must’ve been my glum look, rolled her eyes and sighed. ‘OK, what do you think of the war on activist judges legislating from the bench, Libby?’
I perked up.
‘I think lackey judges legislate from the bench too, the Administration just prefers their decisions.’
‘Pat Robertson thinks activist judges pose a greater threat to America than terrorists,’ she said smugly.
‘I read that. Well, he’s a man who believes Adam & Eve had three sons and populated the Earth, he must be right.’
‘Anti-Religious rhetoric. That’s hot.’
‘I’m not anti-religion. I come from religious people that I love very much.’
'You just think you’re smarter.'
‘I just think if anyone wants to live in a democratic fundamentalist theocracy, they should move to Iraq. They’ll have one soon enough.’
‘Do you like Football?’ she asked eagerly.
‘Uh, I guess..’
‘Good,’ she said, climbing atop my pool table and waving her ass in the air like a rapper without a care, ‘then tell your Brown Bay Packer it’s kickoff time.’
Knocks rattled my front door. I recognized my friends' voices.
‘Who is that?’ she hissed.
I listened at the door.
‘It’s Tim and David and someone else.’
‘Jesus, it’s always a social program with you people, isn’t it?’
‘I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting them. Or you.’
‘Well answer it,’ she said, sitting on the pool table. I wanted her to not get her slime on the felt, but I thought better of asking. I opened the door to see Tim, David and John Cusack. He was really good looking in person.
‘Hey guys,’ I said anxiously.
‘Let us in,’ said Tim, ‘Redd Kross is going to be on Letterman in a couple minutes.’
‘Hold on a sec,’ I said, closing the door. I turned to report. ‘It’s Tim, David and John Cusack. They want to come in and watch Redd Kross on Letterman.’
‘Never mind. How did they vote?’
‘Uh, Tim and David voted for Kerry, if they voted. I think John Cusack was active in the Nader campaign, wasn’t he?’
Her eyes narrowed slyly. ‘Let them in.’
I opened the door again.
‘Hey, you guys want to help me fuck Ann Coulter?’



Then we were all up on the pool table surrounding Ann Coulter. David was stationed by her head, Tim and John Cusack were at her either hand, and I was positioned familiarly between the backs of her legs as she crouched like a supplicant before me. Taking aim as I prepared to bust into her shit-shack with my splattering ram, looking at her slavering, pulsing crap valve, which for an instant seemed to wink at me like an old friend, I realized that from this angle, we’re all the same. Sure, some of us think the best way to confront terrorism is by falsifying grounds for war and creating the greatest recruitment drive for young men willing to die in the name of Islam since the Crusades, and some of us do not. Some of us advocate teaching ‘Intelligent Design’ in the classroom alongside Evolution and hope someday Astronomy classes will give the Bible teaching that the Earth is the center of the Universe equal time with the scurrilous notion that we actually orbit the Sun, and some of us do not. Some of us believe the poor and helpless in a civilized society are entitled to nothing more--and can benefit from nothing more--than contempt, and some of us do not. Some of us believe that a 13 year-old girl should be required to deliver the child of incestuous rape, and some of us do not. Some of us believe that if childbirth threatens her life, any doctor who ends her pregnancy is a murderer, and this fact should rightfully be brought to the attention of his children and their fourth grade classmates, and some of us do not. But when you get right down to it, and contemplate our assholes, we’re really all the same.
‘One thing before we get started,’ Ann Coulter said, pulling her hair back in a pony tail, ‘I don’t want to catch any of you life-partners holding hands while you’re stabbing me, OK?’
We all nodded in consent, and began tunneling.
For those of you who have never tried 5-person sex, it’s a little trickier than you might think. With the guest of honor buffeted at all sides, until everyone works in a kind of sync, it’s a little like trying to fuck a mechanical bull. I found myself wrenched out mid-stroke and made the mistake of satisfying my curiosity, glancing down at her ham-trap. It looked more like an exit wound than any baby-wallet I’d ever seen before. Was this a surgeon’s handiwork?
In an instant she kicked her heels up powerfully against my backside, and driving me forward, caught me again in her yawning fudge mine. I felt slightly seasick, but on either side of her David and I had achieved the sort of rhythm that allows two-man saw teams to do their work efficiently.
My head was spinning. I noticed all of us around Ann had kept our socks on, and wondered what that was about. I felt really weird doing this in front of my friends. Everyone kept their eyes to themselves, like men at the open urinal troughs in the Dodger Stadium bathrooms. I was thinking about how cool it was to have John Cusack over, and how much I liked Grosse Pointe Blank. Judging by the way he casually smoked a cigarette, I guessed he had sex this way all the time.
Ann Coulter was swaying in a gentle clockwise motion, accommodating all of the thrusts around her in a smooth sequence. She stopped suddenly and snapped at me over her shoulder.
‘Hey back there—fuck it like you dig chicks, wouldya sport?’
The guys snickered.
‘We can trade places if you’re not up to it,’ John Cusack sort of drawled disdainfully at me. Now I felt really uncomfortable.
‘He can do it,’ she half-mocked, half-defended me. ‘Now, I want you to turn my ass-snatch into a one-man mosh pit. Comprende?’
She went back to bouncing David’s scrotum off of her chin. With my renewed effort, the gentle circuit her body was making became quickened and jerky. She didn’t seem to mind, moaning in muffled pleasure like a mental deficient with too much cake in his mouth. She began to hum something familiar that caught our attention, especially David’s, since she was humming it on what he referred to as his "pink floyd." Tim began to sing along:
‘If it takes just a little while..open your heart, and look at the day,’ the rest of us joined in slowly, ‘you’ll see things in a different way. Don’t, Stop, thinking about tomorrow..’
She convulsed spasmodically in orgasm as our rendition grew louder. Over our chorus, Ann Coulter could be heard making horrible noises, like a pterodactyl being disemboweled.
‘It’ll soon be here. It’ll be better than before; yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone..’
With her whole body shuddering in paroxysms of ecstasy, the pace got really hectic. As she caromed wildly like a pinball caught between four double-bonus bumpers, I sensed things were about to get soupy.
‘Uhhhhhggg..yeah!’ David gasped triumphantly.
Along with him, Tim and John Cusack were nearing their own scrotum-lightening, Coulter-whitening experience. The terrific tempo at which she expertly beat them both made me think she could probably play the shit out of some bongos.

That’s when things began to go horribly wrong.

Ann Coulter’s slender frame, which had been so easily jostled between our various cum-muskets, suddenly became as fixed and immobile as Joe McCarthy’s tombstone. This was just registering in my mind when I heard David let out a high-pitched shriek. I looked up to see the terror on his face as suddenly he was being swung around, flailing helplessly like a stuffed animal in the mouth of a pit bull. Ann Coulter began to swell grotesquely, and she was suddenly a massive, armored confluence of rigid, steely muscle before me. She became covered with gruesome scales and sharp, bony protuberances. The air filled with a thunderous, guttural laugh, like a Shelby Cobra being gunned over and over. Her arms bulged powerfully and began to clench the penis in either hand with ungodly force. I watched in horror as Tim and John Cusack’s cocks burst in her hands, now taloned claws, like water balloons. They both, mercifully, passed out from either shock or pain. The beast that Ann Coulter had become clutched what remained of their genitals in either bloody hand like burst bladders. David was now hanging lifelessly from her maw, as though his skeletal structure had been sucked right out.
I tried to disengage but her heels, now burred hooves, again held me helplessly in place. Unthinkingly I screamed alternately for my mother and for Sweet Jesus as I became aware of something like a hand pulling me deep in the monster Ann Coulter's buttmouth, intent, and I felt sickly sure, capable of dragging me to the darkness within.



I awoke to the ringing of my telephone. I was sitting on my couch. Stump the Schwab was over, and Say Anything, starring John Cusack, was on. I began, with relief, to assemble my mind. I didn’t own a pool table. Tim was in Ireland. I hadn’t spoken to David in longer than I can remember. Redd Kross hadn’t put out an album in years. It was just a dream.
I rose to answer the persistent telephone.
‘Hello?’
‘Hello. Is this Bachem Macuno?’
‘Speaking,’ I rubbed my eyes. ‘Look, I don’t have a mortgage to refinance; I don’t know how I got on this list.’
‘This is Ann Coulter.’
‘Is it?" I said, unsettled. "Well, hello again.’
‘What do you mean, "again," you booger-twiddling imbecile?’
‘I mean..we’ve met.’
‘You mean in your little story.’
‘Story? It was an account of our afternoon.’
‘Yes, I’ve read it. Just because you’re piteously insignificant doesn’t mean you’ve escaped my notice.’
‘Well, it’s just that you make it sound like it didn’t happen.’
‘It didn’t.’
‘Uh, you know perfectly well it happened, as do I, owing to the fact that we were both there.’
‘If you think I can’t know something perfectly well and continue to argue the opposite, you’ve not very familiar with my work. Anyway, maybe you just dreamed the whole thing.’
Something in her voice gave me a chill up my spine.
‘Hey, you’re free to regard the account however you wish.’
There was a considered pause.
‘I see you’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback,’ she conceded.
‘People have been probably over-generous, yes. Look, I’m not naïve; I know that has more to do with you than it does with me.’
‘It doesn’t matter what Liberals think. Two things they never remember to do. 1. Shut up. 2. Vote.’
‘That’s probably good news to people who misconstrue a 3% differential to be a mandate.’
‘Still, that praise has got to be pretty heady for a failed TV writer.’
‘I’m not a failed TV writer. I’m a failing TV writer. There’s a difference.’
‘They both make the same amount of money.’
‘Did you call for any particular reason?’
‘Did I wake you?’ she intoned knowingly.
‘Seriously. What do you want?’
‘I wondered if you watched the press conference last week.’
‘Yes, I did. Just, you know, to count how many times the leader of the free world said "nucular"’
‘You sneering elitists. It’s a regional thing. It’s just like the British saying ‘aluminium’’
"Actually, the British say ‘aluminium’ because they spell it ‘aluminium’. Is there a dictionary with ‘nucular’ in it that I don’t know about?"
‘Come on, it’s folksy.’
‘It’s not folksy, it’s put on for faux-shitkicker appeal. The guy went to prep schools and Yale, it’s not like he doesn’t know better. It’s his aw-shucks anti-intellectualism signal flare saying "Hey dumb people, vote for me!"’
‘I’ve got to tell you, this is some of the most low-caliber phone sex I’ve ever had.’
‘I didn’t realize that’s what we were doing.’
‘Well clue the fuck in. Do I have to put it in bold type on the cover of Mother Jones?’
‘Alright, alright..well, I did like the President’s energy plan. I think supplying China with energy efficient technology is a good idea.’
‘Yes?’
‘Sure, once we get some. Maybe we can trade them the technology we don’t have for the technology they do have, like the breakthroughs they’re making and patenting in stem cell research.’
‘Ah, you object to the "Culture of Life"?’ she said, intrigued.
‘Seems like yesterday it was the "Culture of Vengeance," bragging about all the mentally retarded people he executed.’
Her breathing quickened. ‘People of faith believe life, and stem cells, are sacred.’
‘It was a lot easier when scientists could just be burned as heretics, huh?’
‘Uhnnnggghh,’ she gurgled on the other end of the line.
‘Are you touching yourself?’
‘I’m tapping my clit like a telegraph operator on biker speed. Continue!’
‘Hey, I totally respect people of faith making that determination for themselves. If they really feel that way, I hope they have the courage of their convictions. I hope they will, on principle, suffer and die from conditions Stem Cell research will be able to address once the breakthroughs are made. I hope they have the courage to resist Stem Cell advances and watch their loved ones suffer and die, and stay true to their principles. Otherwise, they’re just busybodies killing time between complaint letters to the FCC about any instance of language stronger than "dang." Otherwise, they should put their time and energy into baking a nice Mind Your Own Business-cake, with delicious Shut the Fuck Up-frosting.’
‘Ahhhhrrgghh..’ she wheezed, ‘describe something degrading you’re doing to me.’
‘Ok, ok..I’m behind you with my dirty jockstrap pulled tight over your face and mouth like a bridle, and I’m yanking the waistband like reins.’
‘Yes! YES!’
‘I’m riding you over to the toilet..’
‘You can lead my horseface to water, but you can’t make me drink!’
‘Yes, but I can stick your head in the toilet and flush!’
‘Oh God! Oh GOD!!’
‘And I’m scrawling something on your ass with a sharpie.’
‘Uhhh..Ohhh..what are you writing?’
‘I’m writing..HILLARY IN 2008!!!’
She began huffing and grunting like a cow having a seizure. I could hear her strumming her clitoris like Earl Scruggs picking out Foggy Mountain Breakdown on the banjo. The sound of a woman having a tremendous climax is usually arousing to me, but I sat there in a grim mood, like I’d gotten bad news and was trying to grasp it. I waited, resigned, for her to regain her composure. She finally did.
‘Was it good for you?’ she said, catching her breath.
‘Not really.’
‘Good,’ she cackled. ‘You must really hate Conservatives, huh?’
‘Not really. I have close friends who are Conservatives. I’m not so threatened by people who disagree with me that I need to reduce them to cartoons to vilify, or hateful misrepresentations like Der Ewige Jude. There are people I disagree with that I respect quite a lot. Your shtick is calling anyone who disagrees with you to be shot for treason.’
‘Shtick?’
‘Well, you must know better. You’re just an entertainer. It’s a complicated world. If you can ease people’s confusion by presenting a preposterously oversimplified worldview where one side is all good and the other all evil, great for you. People don’t make the New York Times bestseller list writing considered, balanced analysis. People want an uncomplicated reality. There’s a nice living to be made in providing it to them. But I don’t think you really believe much of it, just like I doubt the Verizon guy walks around saying "Can you hear me now?" when he’s off-camera.’
‘I bet you think you’re pretty clever for a guy wearing cargo pants.’
‘I don’t think..how did you know what I’m wearing?’
‘Ha. What else would you be wearing?’
‘Look, you’ve had your fun. I’ve got to go.’
‘Fine. Go.’
‘Goodbye.’
‘Wait, Bachem..’ she called. I returned the receiver to my ear.
‘Yes?’
‘Enjoy the movie. And tell Tim and David I said no hard feelings.’
I dropped the phone and my mouth fell open in a silent, breathless scream. I heard familiar peals of dark laughter booming through the room, as the ground swirled beneath me and fell away from my feet.

131 Comments:

Blogger Erik Opsal said...

Brilliant again. Somehow I was the first to find this follow up post. Please say Jeff Gannon is next.

10:19 PM  
Blogger Chaotic Anomaly said...

Nice. Good use of imagery, LOL. This saga is pure genius.

7:57 AM  
Blogger Dagger said...

Ah yes, the second installment of the I Fucked Ann Coulter in the Ass saga. This may be your Empire Strikes Back, except with the inclusion of the "it was all a dream" cliché.

10:31 AM  
Blogger yzrxxcks said...

..scrotum-lightening, Coulter-whitening experience..

Sweet!

--Lanpher Lover

11:07 AM  
Blogger blog Portland said...

"I came here to chew gum and have Liberal cock slammed into me." She spit her gum onto my floor. "And I’m all out of gum. We clear?"

Fucking priceless.

You've earned another link on my inferior attempt at blogging.

~~> Jay

12:41 PM  
Blogger Eruvanye said...

Oh. My. God.

So wrong, yet so entertaining.

12:44 PM  
Blogger KrappHammer said...

Aw, Krap! I was so sure that I had figured little Annie out. Every time I saw her face on TV I said (ok, thought) "She needs a good ass-fucking more than any white woman in history."
If she's already getting it, I'm gonna need a new theory.

1:52 PM  
Blogger geoff said...

You tease! I was counting on a Coulter bukkake...

Perhaps in Episode 3?

6:13 PM  
Blogger Jesse said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:00 PM  
Blogger god_botherer said...

nice twist on the "it was just a dream" cliche. How does she know???


Ann Coulter is the Prince of Darkness? Seems likely.

7:25 PM  
Blogger The greatest said...

HILLARIOUS.

6:59 AM  
Blogger Digital Nemesis said...

How dare you shame the minions of hell with Coulter's likeness!

Great stuff as always!

7:49 AM  
Blogger Digital Nemesis said...

How dare you shame the minions of hell with Coulter's likeness!

Great stuff as always!

7:49 AM  
Blogger plectic said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:36 PM  
Blogger plectic said...

Being english, i didn´t know who ann coulter was, hence a quick internet research exercise. needless to say, when i discovered what she does/says i am so happy that you fucked her in the ass, hard.

1:38 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

yay for anal sex! and liberalism!

4:42 PM  
Blogger Dennis said...

If you don't like a television program and if you find it very offensive you call the sponsors and complain and tell them you will boycott them until the program goes off the air and you get a program you do want..

So if you don't like the program of the Republican Party won't you call their sponsors and boycott them to get what you want passed in congress?

http://www.boycott-republicans.com

8:39 AM  
Blogger Ann Coulter said...

Listen fucknut. I am tired of having our private shit published for the sake of a bunch of Prius drivers. Shut up, you know I have a gun.

8:40 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

I love you! OMG!!!

11:45 PM  
Blogger hobodogblogger said...

The most unsettling line in this entire sordid tale is:
"If you think I can’t know something perfectly well and continue to argue the opposite, you’ve not very familiar with my work." -- Ann Coulter, via Bachem Macuno, here

It recalls this:
"It is not possible to awaken someone who is pretending to be asleep." -- Navajo proverb

I borrowed this to introduce my post, http://hobodogblog.blogspot.com/2005/01/signs-of-times.html

If Cleopatra was the Queen of Denial, is Ann Coulter a Vestal Slut of the Dark Lord?

2:20 AM  
Blogger Heywood J. said...

Amazing stuff. Haven't laughed this hard since the last one. I definitely gotta steer all ten of my readers to this.

8:19 PM  
Blogger jimbo said...

this is best, i tell you. the best.

‘I’m tapping my clit like a telegraph operator on biker speed. Continue!’

9:57 PM  
Blogger Mr Waldo said...

Pure hillarity

10:04 AM  
Blogger jurassicpork said...

Coulter: "get ready to stuff the only thing interesting about you into the sloppy end of my digestive tract."
Bachem: "Which end is that?"

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

Please tell me this isn't a one-off.

10:36 AM  
Blogger bigdaftpoofter said...

I have just spent the last two hours pouring over Adbusters, sipping Fair Trade coffee and tsk tsk-ing in my limey liberal fashion the Bush-Blair fuck ups of the past few years splashed artily over its pages. Only being vaguely familiar with Ann Coulter (via Murdoch's British rags painting her as a sexy yank Thatcher) I almost didn't read this. That would have been a real shame- thanks for the tears of laughter. You should write for televis.... urgh sorry, sore point huh. Excellent mate!

1:06 PM  
Blogger Jonathan P. Figdor said...

Dude, nice fucking story. Better than the first? No. But funny as hell because, I mean, Christ it's Ann Coulter. You might want to pick a harder target though. I suggest you read some Christopher Hitchens articles and pick on one of his favourite conservatives who suck, like the dead Pope John Paul II or Mother Theresa.

By the way, if you're looking for an example of what I mean, here's a link to my blog.

truearrogance.blogspot.com

Enjoy

1:24 PM  
Blogger Digitalicat said...

You're definitely using it in different ways, but I totally had this idea first.

So, I feel justified with a shameless plug of my own blog.

Ann Coulter Tossed My Salad

11:50 PM  
Blogger Avatar said...

Damn, you're good.

4:51 PM  
Blogger Evil Ed said...

Well, if that guy's gonna post his "my idea first" link, so am I...
How I Bedded Ann Coulter

9:05 PM  
Blogger Wezzo said...

Brilliant Bachem, I think I enjoyed this one more. ‘I’m tapping my clit like a telegraph operator on biker speed. Continue!’ Haha, cant stop canning myself.
_________________
ChumpStyle

4:13 AM  
Blogger noobab said...

haha. ha...
mwahaha.

best, thing, ever, written.

4:11 PM  
Blogger andym said...

ohmygod! i never knew that rush limbaugh could write so well! excellent!

3:12 PM  
Blogger Jay C. said...

We are all in your debt, sir. Well done, and may the next one be ewok-free. Needless to say, my tale of Ann servicing Rush in a vomitorium has been scrapped. I'll leave it to the inspired and the professionals.

3:22 PM  
Blogger Raven said...

I loved this so much. . .

9:00 PM  
Blogger Al said...

Absolutely. Fucking. Hilarious.

10:22 AM  
Blogger The Whisperer said...

Perform a Self-Benta examination: First, get your dick hard. Real hard. Now bend it. You know, like Beckham. That's right, put your back into it. Check out the colors. Call me in the morning.

9:37 PM  
Blogger à la bob said...

Truly fine, Bachem. You realise that you are doing a public service now, don't you?
Nothing can transcend the perfection of your first foray into Coulter's soul-hole, but nobody could keep up with the story as well as you, old sport.
There is no need to attempt an essay on Gannon, as his life already defies parody.

8:11 AM  
Blogger Hoka-shay-honaqut said...

Done it again. Good stuff.

11:28 PM  
Blogger Ole said...

I almost wish I were American so I could understand a little more clearly how poignant and biting your cultural comment is, but sadly I'm a Brit and I don't. Extremely funny though.

P.S. I don't really want to be American, and I'm sure you understand that better than most.

6:51 AM  
Blogger Cecil The Ninja said...

This is absolutely disgusting; you make me ashamed to call myself a liberal.

Seriously, what the hell? Ann Coulter doesn't deserve this, no living human being deserves this. Sure, you may disagree with her (so do I, from time to time.) But blind hatred of conservatism and conservative writers does no one any good. This is base, degrading to our party, and utterly disgusting.

Maybe you should write fan fiction or something.

9:06 PM  
Blogger Legible said...

Maybe it's my Old Spice, but I can't even get Laura Ingraham to return my calls.

7:43 AM  
Blogger Don't Stare at My Adam's Apple said...

Yeesh! Get a grip, Cecil....

9:39 PM  
Blogger N said...

This is the best one yet. You're a genius. Hollywood, give this man a job! And I don't mean getting the producer a lowfat mochaccino!

4:55 PM  
Blogger Mairosu said...

*eagerly awaiting for part 3*

5:36 AM  
Blogger Madame D said...

"Don't...
Stop...
Thinking about tomorrow..."
God, I love it.

10:15 AM  
Blogger RinaKrisAlice said...

It's so wrong it's right. So base, so repulsive and so full of hilarity.

And some of those lines were so brilliant that it is officially a tragedy that you aren't writing comedy for HBO, baby. You are one sick but unfuckingbelievably funny man.

2:10 PM  
Blogger Anne Arkham said...

More genius.

2:12 PM  
Blogger The Whisperer said...

A close one today! At about 1:30 this afternoon I had some time between clients so I walked up to 18 St to have a slice of pizza and pick up a pack of Newports. So I picked up some smokes and went to the pizza parlor. As I was waiting at the counter I saw a cop car turning off 18 St. Then another and another. No lights or sirens, but I could tell they weren't just sightseeing. So I paid for my slice and headed back to the "office". I soon saw that the cops were at my "place of employment", and were escorting my "co-workers" into the back of the cop cars. Fucking pig scum. Missy and Tina and Lisa and Corrie. Lakisha was arguing with this one cop but was put in a car anyway. 3 clients were being piled into cars too. I just walked by and pretended it was none of my business, hoping none of the girls said anything. None did so I went to my apartment.
I did my share of "streetwalking" and had my share of both busts and violent clients. I took up working at a "massage and fitness center" because it was safer. If a client gets out of hand we have a couple a big guys waiting in a room for that. We give them free sex in return for their help. Clients are buzzed in, so that should protect us from cops. One of us must have serviced a motherfuckin under cover cop who came back and got buzzed in with the other cops.
Well I have a big enough clientele that I can keep making money doing outcalls till this shit dies down.

2:56 PM  
Blogger Hobo said...

I love you
seriously

11:25 PM  
Blogger Charlie said...

Beautiful. Just beautiful. I love you, man.

6:46 PM  
Blogger Azeem Tubotheryu said...

YOU ARE A GENIUS, PLAIN AND SIMPLE,WHEN THE GOOD GUYS RE-TAKE THE WHITEHOUSE IN 2008 AND WONDER WHERE WE TURNED THE CORNER, WE NEED NOT LOOK ANY FURTHER THAN THIS BLOG! YOUR PATRIOTIC SELFLESSNESS IS AN HONOR TO THE FIRST AMMENDMENT!

5:36 PM  
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Blogger Caroline said...

totally hilarious. speaking of "nucular", Bush also pronounces the word malfeasance like this: "malfee-ance". i heard him on the radio a few years ago. i think he was talking about the enron dudes, as in "they haven't done any malfee-ance".

i learned some new vocabulary words by reading this. not that i'll use them much. since i dont discuss anal sex very often. write a book so you can get paid for your writing! you're totally funny. CF

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Okay, I'm going to be the first one to voice the idea:

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Blogger Gipper78 said...

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Extremely fucking hilarious, as was the first. What's not funny is this; "It’s a complicated world. If you can ease people’s confusion by presenting a preposterously oversimplified worldview where one side is all good and the other all evil, great for you. People don’t make the New York Times bestseller list writing considered, balanced analysis. People want an uncomplicated reality. There’s a nice living to be made in providing it to them." It's very sad how true this is, for most of the country, both parties and all the media.

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Blogger AndyPandyB said...

The line that made me spray hot tea all over my monitor was: 'Over our chorus, Ann Coulter could be heard making horrible noises, like a pterodactyl being disemboweled.'

Oh, and before you ask, the hot tea wasn't a euphemism.

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love it.

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This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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Just saw this and the original. Thank you.

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What you wrote on her ass was pure genius, I laughed out loud!

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My asshole clenched as I read this ... a disturbing entertainment.

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Blogger dogsknowsomething said...

A pathetic waste of a journalistic gift that will never develop beyond its current embryonic state(if you're 85 don't fret it) as long as you waste yourself on feckless day care level metaphors containing earnest but lame efforts at wit.

You will make some great firewood in the "next life."

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Blogger dirtymonkey said...

"Oky class what is the author trying to say in this piece? anyone? anyone? Oky howbout for years Ann Coulter with her wit and wisdom has screwed Moderate Socialist Democrats in da butt! without so much as the slightest credible response from them, failing this their only alternative was to create a work of fiction in which they dream of literally screwing the lady in da butt! yes?...... NO?"......no?....

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"Alright class there goes the bell dont forget to write your essay on this piece and trun it in tomorrow. Class dismised"

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Blogger 44 said...

Dude, you are a genius. The pulitzer is yours to lose. Now I have to change my pants. Seems I pissed myself during a spasm of laughter. So fucking funny. So fucking funny that I printed it and slipped it in the pages of every one of Ann's books at the local Barnes and Noble. Hope you don't mind.

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Just checked back in after 4 years. Still the best political comedy gold I have ever read! I echo 44 above, even after years and knowing the schtick I still piss my pants with laughter every time. Brilliant.

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